1. Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad
2. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.
3. ‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realize it was on fire
4. Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!
5. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
6. When Dad drops a pea off of his plate ‘oh dear I’ve pee’d on the table!
7. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
8. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
9. Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
10. What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
11. Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
12. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
13. Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
14. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
15. What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
16. Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me:
17. Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
18. At what time does the soldier go to the dentist? 1430.
19. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
20. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”
21. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
22. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
23. Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
24. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!
25. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
26. What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
27. “Hold on, I have something in my shoe” “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”
28. Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there’s a Shortstop in between!
29. Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, “man, it’s really hot in here”.
30. The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, “WHOA, a talking muffin!”
31. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
32. I knew i shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now i’m feeling a little… Eel
33. What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
34. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Best Dad Jokes
35. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
36. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
37. What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
38. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
39. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
40. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
41. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
42. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
43. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
44. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
45. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
46. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
47. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.
48. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
49. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
50. Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, “No, just leave it in the carton!”
51. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
52. Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
53. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
54. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
55. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
56. A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
57. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
58. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
59. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Yo Dad Jokes – Your Dad Jokes
60. Yo daddy so gay. I called him a fag and he chased me wit his purple purse.
61. Yo daddy dick so little if your mom was an ant she still couldn’t play with it.
62. Yo daddy so dumb when he jump the fence the gate was open!
63. Yo mama so ugly that yo daddy’s breath smells like shit cause he’d rather kiss her ass.
64. Yo daddy so old he had to stick his dick in the freezer to get a hard-on.
65. Yo daddy so dumb he ran into a park car!
66. Yo daddy is so bald that I used his head as a mirror!
67. Yo Daddy so bald… Ohh wait that’s yo mama. your grandpaw is so old he needs a nutsack defibulater to bust a nut!
68. Yo daddy so dumb that when he personally wanted to cut your ubilical chord he cut your penis instead Yo daddy so gay. I called him a homosexual and he chased me wit his man purse.
69. Yo daddy so black when he got out the car the oil light came on
70. yo daddy so short they accused him of raping ants
71. Yo daddy dick so small when I licked it, it disappered.
72. yo dad is so smart he went to Jupiter to get more stupider and when he came back he was the dumbest person in the universe
73. Yo daddy so gay he sat on a cherrio and turned it into a Fruit-Loop
74. Your dads dick is so small he has to use a microscope and a pair of pliers to wank
75. Yo daddy so FAT that his dick got rolls.
76. Yo mama and daddy so black that your family pictures look like ultrasounds
77. Yo daddy so hairy, that you need a lawn mower for his back
78. Yo daddy so gay when he ran out side yo mamma said “Is that my purse or yours?”
79. yo daddy so fat the police called him “Fat Albert”
80. Yo daddy so fat people need a GPS to find their way around him.
81. Yo daddy suffers from dick-do disease. His stomach stick out further than his dick-do.
82. Yo daddys penis is so small yo mamma called him a pussy
83. yo daddy’s nuts are so small, squirrels dont even want them!
84. Yo Mama is so DUMB, she gave yo daddy a blow job, to help him out with his unemployment!
85. Yo momma so fat. Yo daddy no longer finds her attractive and its destroying their marriage.
86. Yo daddy so fat and ugly when he plays Mortal Kombat, Scorpion said “Stay over there”
87. yo momma so black yo daddy decided to use her as charcoal for the fire
88. yo daddy so big he walked up to a chair and the chair moved itself
89. yo daddy so old I asked him about his car and he said he has the stone wheel.
90. yo daddy so Dumb, when he saw a sign, MASSAGE 60 min. $20 he asked,”Does that include Head”?
91. yo daddy is like cement he takes 2 days 2 get hard
92. Yo daddy so ugly that when he went into the store people asked him is he an animal or a person.
93. Yo daddy is so square, that Spongebob Squarepants jealous
94. yo daddy head so small when he put on a brown turtle neck he looks like an infected penis.
95. Yo daddy so hairy Bigfoot is takes his picture!
96. Yo Daddy is like an arcade game, when you give him a quarter he lets you play with his joy stick.
Jokes About Dads
97. Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?
98. Q: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice? A: a POPsicle!
99. Q: How do fathers exercise on the beach? A: By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
100. Q: How do you know your dad is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
101. Q: How do you scare a divorced dad? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice!
102. Q: Why don’t some fathers have a mid-life crisis? A: They’re stuck in adolescence.
103. Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry? A: Because his dad was in a jam!
104. Q: What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!
105. Q: Why are Fathers like parking spaces? A: The good ones are already taken!
106. Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
107. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web.
108. Q: What is the definition of Mass Confusion? A: Fathers Day in the ghetto.
109. Q: What do toys and boobs have in common? A: Both are made for children but it’s the fathers who play with them most.