The path to soulful sex starts with you. And even once you have done the work on yourself and have called in your lover, the work doesn’t stop there. In fact, the next layer gets peeled back. This is because when you’re with your soulmate, there’s nowhere to hide; you don’t let each other hide. You call each other out (with love, of course). You are each other’s biggest mirror, and you inspire each other.
In my early 20s, I had no idea that soulful sex existed or that it was actually humanly possible. I didn’t learn the truth until I opened myself up to the world of tantra and Taoism and read the work of David Deida (in particular Dear Lover and The Way of the Superior Man—essential reading for all). While soaking up his every word, I knew something was missing in my life and that there had to be more. The feeling that washed over me was hard to articulate because I had never experienced it. I thought sex was always about two people “getting their rocks off.” Oh, how wrong I was! Sex can be a sacred experience. But I didn’t know this because you don’t know what you don’t know. And now I know; I’m about to open your eyes to a whole new world of lovemaking.
But what is soulful sex? Soulful sex is not what you see in pornography, music videos, movies, YouTube, TV shows, magazines, or billboards. Soulful sex happens when whole, authentic, present, unified, conscious, vulnerable beings choose to come together from a place of love not fear. It happens when two people open wide to themselves and each other and are willing to be of service to the other person. Here are five ways to have more soulful sex:
1. Practice crystal-clear communication (CCC).
Crystal clear communication is imperative for soulful sex. Don’t be vague or wishy-washy with your requests. Remember, a lot of us (myself included) think that our partners can read our minds, but they can’t! We think they can magically decipher the best way to kiss, stroke, touch, and make love, but this ain’t the truth! Soulful sex is a team sport, and, as the owner of your beautiful temple, you need to take full responsibility for helping achieve what you desire. So speak up and practice CCC in and outside the bedroom. I know it can feel scary, but it’s the best way to experience soulful sex.
2. Get present.
In order to open wide and go deep, presence is essential. You can’t be thinking about what’s for dinner, how many emails are in your inbox, what didn’t get checked off your to-do list, or what time you have to pick up the kids. Get out of your head and back into your body. Bring all your attention to your body and breath. As Tony Robbins says, “Stay in your head and you’re dead!” Article continues below
3. Let go and surrender.
Let go of your expectations of how things “should” look and surrender to the present moment. Often, we have mapped out how our lovemaking session will pan out before it’s even happened. You know what I mean: First we’ll go into the bedroom, then he’ll kiss my neck, then take my clothes off, then go down on me, and then we’ll get to business. Not only does future tripping like this take you out of the present moment, it stops you from having a true, real experience of soulful sex.
4. Judge no more.
You can’t be judging yourself (or your partner), be present, AND experience soulful sex, all at the same time. Sex is an expression of love. It doesn’t matter whether you’re in a long-term, committed relationship or not. Love and appreciation are the same vibration, so appreciate your partner, yourself, and your temple, and you’ll take your lovemaking to a whole new level.
5. Make trust a priority.
Trust is the superglue of your relationship. Love rarely dies in one fell swoop: It’s the little white lies here and there that you convince yourself won’t matter but that build up over time like tartar on your teeth, eventually eroding the relationship. Trust is something that is built between two people and strengthened with time and action. To nurture trust in your relationship, you must be impeccable with your words and actions.
If you act in a way that’s not from a place of integrity, quickly own it, take full responsibility, let it go, then move on. If your partner does the same, choose to let it go. Do not hold on to it or add it to your mental spreadsheet of things to use against your partner in your next fight (I’ve seen it done). Make trust, honesty, and integrity priorities in all your relationships, and watch them grow.
Actions speak louder than words, so show people with your actions that you are trustworthy and honest. We can’t force someone else to be trustworthy, and by its very nature untrustworthiness can be hard to spot! But we do know, in our hearts, the difference between an occasional breach of trust and a genuinely problematic attitude to truth and faith-keeping.