The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, “Er… How much for a season pass?”
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take him/her more than five years to do it.
An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. “Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?”
“Well, let’s see,” replied the student. “It’s Wednesday afternoon. I guess I ll be on the golf course by now.”
Did you hear about the Louisiana Tech professor who stood in front of a mirror for two hours, wondering where he’d seen himself before?
Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn’t you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes, but I thought it was mine!
Jeb and Eudell, University of Michigan athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside the city limits, they saw a sign: “CLEAN RESTROOMS.” By the time they got to Cleveland, they’d cleaned 147 restrooms.
Did you hear about the University of Miami fullback who stayed up all night studying for his urine test?
Three students from Michigan State, the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine.
The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked, “Do you have any final words, son?” “Yeah, drop dead!” snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this, the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out.
The executioner pulled the lever, and as the crowd gaped in astonishment, the giant blade came to a screeching halt three inches from the victim’s throat. “It’s God’s will! Let him go!” cried the judge.
Next, the fella from U. of Kentucky was put on the block, and the judge asked again, “And what are your final remarks, my boy?” “Go to hell!” shouted the student, and the judge signaled.
The razor-sharp blade fell and miraculously stopped just a quarter inch from the condemned boy’s neck. “It’s the will of God!” exclaimed the judge. “Set him free!”
Finally, the Texan was put into position. “Before you’re beheaded,” said the judge, “do you have any last words?” “Yeh!” replied the Aggie.
“If y’all will just put a little more grease on them grooves, the blade will come down a whole lot easier!”
What is the second stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house.
What is the stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.
Biddle and Payne, two elderly English professors, were having lunch in the cafeteria. During the course of the conversation, Biddle said, “A student gave me a peculiar answer in class today.
I asked who wrote the Merchant of Venice and a sophomore said, “Please, sir, it wasn’t me!” “Ha, ha!” laughed Payne. “And I suppose the little snot had done it all along!”
All the fraternity brothers left the house for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and get some studying done. One night Grady heard a noise under his bed.
Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and whispered, “Anybody there?” “No,” said the burglar. “That’s funny,” the boy said to himself. “I could have sworn I heard a noise!”
What’s the difference between an American student and an English student? About 3000 miles!
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bud’s trailer house, Bud asked, “What is the usual tip?” “Well,” replied the youth, “this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I’ll be doing great.” “Is that so?” snorted Bud.
“Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here’s five dollars.” “Thanks,” replied the youth, “I’ll put this in my school fund.” “What are you studying?” asked Bud. The lad smiled and said, “Applied psychology.”
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money because he ran out of it. His mom said, “Sure, sweetie. I’ll send you some money.
You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?” “Uhh, oh yeah, okay,” responded the kid. So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, her husband asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?” She said, “Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20 and the other for $1000 out to him.” “That’s $1020!” yelled her husband. Are you crazy?”
“Don’t worry, Hon,” she said. “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!”
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s existence. The professor presented the following logic: “Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke. “Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
One student thought for a second and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: “Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Silence. “Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?” When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
“Then, according to our professor ‘s logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!” You can’t argue with that!
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper, there was a single line which simply said: “Is this a question?” – Discuss.
After a short time, he wrote: “If that is a question, then this is an answer.” The student received an “A” on the exam.
A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.” Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad. He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?
Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to College until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points.
It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.” Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Did you hear about the power outage at the college library?… Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? When the kids are in college.
Why do college students have TGIF on their shoes?… Toes Go In First!
What do you call a good looking girl on my college’s campus?… A visitor.
What do you call a good looking boy on my college’s campus?… A visitor.
What do you call a genius at my college?… A visitor.
A banker was arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter’s college education. As the cop, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he asked the banker, “I’ve got just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?”
A pretty young college student visited her professor’s office after class one day. She glanced down the hall, closed the door and knelt before him as she said, “I’d do anything to pass this exam.”As she leaned even closer, she whispered seductively, “And I mean, anything…
“The professor looked down at her and asked her, “Anything?” She repeated, “Anything.” The professor asked again in a quiet voice, “Anything?” The student smiled, and again said seductively, “Anything at all.” The professor’s voice turned to a whisper as he asked, “Would… you… study??”
The basketball coach storms into the university president’s office and demands an immediate raise. The president says, “But you already make more than the entire History department.” The coach says angrily, “Maybe so, but you don’t know what I have to put up with. Watch…”
With that, the coach goes into the hall and grabs a jock who’s jogging down the hallway. He says to him, “Run over to my office and see if I’m there.” Twenty minutes later the jock comes back, covered in sweat and breathing heavily.
He says to the coach, “You’re not there, sir.” The president scratches his head as he says, “Oh, I see what you mean. I would have phoned.”
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
A young hot-shot broker decides to take a day off from his stressful job and goes back to visit some of his professors at his old school. As he enters the school he sees a dog attacking a small child.
The broker quickly jumps on the dog and strangles it. The next day, the local paper runs the story with the headline “Valiant Student Saves Boy From Vicious Dog.”
When the broker sees the paper, he calls the editor of the paper and strongly suggests that a correction be printed, pointing out that he’s no longer a student, but a successful Wall Street broker.
The next day, the paper issues a correction, with a headline saying, “Pompous Stock Broker Kills School Mascot.”
A college student was proudly showing off his new apartment to his friends one night after an evening out drinking.One of them asked him,
“What’s the big brass gong and hammer for?” “That’s the talking clock”, the student replied. His friend was confused and asked, “How does it work?”
The student said, “Watch…” and then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off will you, it’s two o’clock in the morning!”
One day a college professor after getting irritated in his college class stands up in front of the class and asks if anyone in the class is an idiot, and if there is one then he/she should stand up.
After a minute a young man stands up. The professor then asks that guy if he actually thinks he is an idiot. The boy replied, “No, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A boy’s FACEBOOK status: I’m online during class. ha ha ha ha ha ha… Comment from Professor: GET OUT Of the CLASS now….
College has taught me to walk in front of moving cars with no fear. Don’t stop……….hit me………..at least I will have someone to pay my tuition.
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”
A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old. One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: “My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don’t bother waiting up for me.
” He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: “You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you’re not giving me.
So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I’m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don’t YOU wait up for ME.”
Bantu:: If I climb this tree, can I see engineering college girls??
Babblu: Definitely, if you jump from there you can also see Medical college girls
Science Professor: Oxygen is a must for breathing & for life, It was discovered in 1773.
College Student: Thank God! I am born after 1773 otherwise; I would have died without it.
Analogy for all college lecturers. They teach us to make “PLAIN RICE” in class & Expect from us to cook “BIRYANI” in exams…..
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out. “To save lives,” the professor responded before A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?” The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”
A Ph.D. student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.” “Me first! Me first!” says the Ph.D. student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.” Poof! He’s gone.
“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone. “You’re next,” the Genie says to the professor. The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet.
Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out.
Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on.
“Well, I finished the exam in half an hour,” said the student, “but I thought I ought to recheck my answers.”
A professor had been after her students to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture. Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, “Class, think how much you’re going to treasure this picture 25 years from now.
You will pull it out and say, ‘There’s my friend, Julie. She’s a lawyer now. There’s my friend Robert. He’s a doctor’” Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, “And there’s my professor. She’s dead.”
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertains to “getting into” E-mail and how to access the “Information Highway.”
An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working. His attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.
He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address. He replied, “The sign advertising the concert said, ‘[email protected]:30 PM’.”
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive classic car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend’s act of generosity. “
What on earth did you do that for?” shouts Frank. “You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.” Matt replies, “And we weren’t?”
I didn’t choose the 4.0 life. The 4.0 life didn’t choose me either.
A son is calling his mom from college and telling her that he had just got his degree. The mother says: That’s great honey! What kind of degree? And the son, almost squealing with excitement says The best one ever, a Celsius degree!
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, “Your son go back to college yet?”
“Two days ago.” “Mine’s a senior this year, so it’s almost over. In May, he’ll be an engineer. What’s your boy going to be when he gets out of college?”
“At the rate he’s going, I’d say he’ll be about thirty.” “No, I mean what’s he taking in college?” “He’s taking every penny I make.” “Doesn’t he burn the midnight oil enough?”
“He doesn’t get in early enough to burn the midnight oil.” “Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?” “Sure has! It’s totally cured his mother of bragging about him.”
Signs You’re No Longer in College… You no longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. Your potted plants stay alive.
You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. Your friends’ hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces.
You attend parties that the police don’t raid. You’re not expected to leave the room when the adults are talking. You refer to college students as “those kids.
” You drink wine, scotch, and martinis instead of just beer, beer, and beer. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftover pizza. At 6 a.m., you’re putting your contact lens in instead of taking them out.
Naps are no longer weekday options. Dating involves dinner and a movie, not keggers and Ecstasy.
Grocery lists contain more than toilet paper and potato chips. You leave parties because you have a busy day tomorrow, not because the EMS guy has strapped you down.
What is the best way to save money during college? Answer: Use Happy Hour as your main dining option.
How do you know that you have been in college too long? Answer: Your parents are running out of money!
What does it take for a football player to pass a class? Answer: Show up.
How many jocks does it take to complete a term paper? None, that is what having a smart roommate is for!
Why is studying better than sex? Answer: You can finish early without feeling shame.
How many fraternity brothers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: None. That’s what pledges are for!
Where can you find sorority girls? Answer: Dancing on top of tables.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT
were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.
Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in colleges.
- College Student: “I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.”
- Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.
- College Dropout: “I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.”
- College Advice: When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Freshman vs. Seniors Freshman:
- Freshman Is never in bed past noon.
Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.
- Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.
Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.
- Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.
- Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”
Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”
What make you a college student:
1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen, you might be a college student.
2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
4. If you have ever written a check for 50 cents.
5. If you have a fine collection of beer bottles.
6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald’s Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups (ie.Olympic Dream Team I or II).
8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce yourself.
13. If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
14. If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn’t
15. If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week
16. If you eat at the cafeteria because it’s “free”, even though it tastes terrible.
17. If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy
18. If you wake up 10 minutes before class
19. If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row — without washing them
20. If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class
21. If your social life consists of a date with the library
22. If your idea of “doing your hair” is putting on a baseball cap
23. If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room
24. If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that’s all you have
25. If you haven’t done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class
26. If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn
27. If you celebrate when you find a quarter
28. If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over
29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half-naked men or women (whichever your preference)
30. If you have built up a tolerance for beverages (he he he)
31. If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself
32. If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis
33. If you get more sleep in class than in your room
34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles
35. If you can sleep through your roommate’s blaring stereo
36. If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes
37. If you get more e-mail than mail.