What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
A mother is in the kitchen one day, preparing dinner for the family.
Her young daughter walks in and asks her, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a while before deciding she ought to be honest with her daughter. She says, “Well honey, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and then they have sex.”
The daughter looks confused so the mother says, “That means that Daddy puts his penis in Mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”
The daughter thinks for a moment and then seems to understand. Then she says, “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
The mother replies, “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will search for a golf ball.
Three guys go on a skiing trip together.
When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”
The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he’s had the same dream, too.
The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”
What’s the difference between your job and a dead hooker?
Your job still sucks.
Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up…
If you’re not in prison.
This old man and woman had been married for 30 years.
In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed.
The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her, so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.
After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did.
One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the bedside lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.
She said angrily, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”
The man replied, “Ok, but first – explain the kids!”
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.
A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?”
The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”
The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”
The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?
One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.
After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”
The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.
A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
How do you make your wife scream during sex?
Call her and tell her about it.
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
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